This is an old post I found on my hard-drive

 

I pace my room, my heart racing and my head swimming. I said some things I’m not proud, I was petty and pathetic and you had every right to be angry. I should have held my tongue, I should have given in sooner but I was too late. I couldn’t defuse the bomb after it had exploded and I became a disappointment in your eyes. It started from something small but it snowballed so much, I just couldn’t back down. I hate being stubborn and useless and stupid and powerless. You can’t take back what’s said, you can only apologise.

Reaching for the phone, I quickly snap my hand back. I can’t do that; I shouldn’t impose myself on her. I’m such a hypocrite sometimes, I really hate when I notice it. I hate my stupid little head and my moppish hair. Heat soars through my body, filling my cheeks and making me feel uncomfortable. I feel trapped and alone with no one to help me; I need a way out. I wish you were here but that’s just selfish.

I want to show you how much you mean to me, I want to give you everything; I’ve already given you what I can but I want to give more. I hate being poor and pathetic. I hate not being able to go out and just hop on a plane and just show up randomly.

Collapsing sideways onto my bed, I let the first few tears through. I’ve really fucked it up this time, haven’t I m’dear? I miss your awkward smile on camera, your gazing eyes and your lovely blonde hair. I miss listening to your voice and hearing you giggle and say you don’t love me when I do something wrong but I know you’re joking. It hasn’t even been that long and I miss all these things but, most of all, I miss not having you with me to hold me and nurse me like a child. I want to rest my head in your lap and curl up, listening to your melodic voice.

I love your stubbornness, I love your little fingers and I love your handwriting. I know it’s creepy but I read it every night, wondering how I ever got you. If things go to tatters and you leave, at least I can revel in the love you shared with me; even if my heart is broken and I’m a wreck, I’ll still look back and realise how much I loved every moment with you…

I shut my eyes and hug my pillow, falling asleep muttering ‘I love you’s to the darkness.

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